the what ifs

a few years ago on this blog, I posted about a friend of mine trying to overdose himself on pills, and how it made me feel...

well, as I suppose history repeats itself, so again, do these things. this time, my roommate.

just last week in therapy i was relating the story of home my friend in highschool tried to do the same thing, and how mad i was at her, so angry. i was so mad, i refused to talk to her for a while- i felt she had done it for all the stupidest reasons, and i refused to validate such an action. my therapist thought i had good instincts.

well, this morning on my way out the door, i passed by my roommate's door and heard a strange rasping sound. could he be crying? i thought. i couldn't decide. i hesitated. i figured he was most likely crying- he had been mopey lately, and unsure of himself. i didn't want to disturb him.

today when i came home, i found out he had tried to destroy himself with sleeping pills. he was distraught, and delirious. i had to watch him for a while, and make sure he was going to be okay.

this is always the worst part...always. the wondering if you could have done something, what terrible things could have happened, how you would have felt if they'd succeeded. the what-ifs.

and i always cry, even if they don't deserve it.

haiku

Worms turn food to ground

little plants waiting hunger

growing food for me

(I love my worm bin)

RIP George

when i was a kid my sister and i used to fall asleep on Sunday nights to CHUM FM's late night comedy show "The Sunday Funnies". it would run from 10 - 11 p.m. and i'm sure my parents could hear us giggling away as we listened to classic routines from Bill Cosby, Bob Newhart, Woody Allen and the like when we were supposed to be sleeping. it opened up a whole world of humour for me and i looked forward to it each week. George Carlin was rarely featured because his language was quite "blue", but "The Sunday Funnies" definitely introduced me to his crazy, word-obsessed, language-loving style of comedy.

this morning i woke up to the news that George, at the age of 71, has died of heart failure. i wasn't necessarily heart broken to read it, but i was a bit wistful for a time in my life when i first became friends with George. he was angry, quite messed up, fought a lot of demons, loved animals, and was very, very clever. my favourite routine of his was "Wonderful WINO" but i thought it was most appropriate to share the routine he's probably most famous for: "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television".

warning: the language is strong, but it is marvelous. i think it is important to remember the context in which he first started doing this routine. life - and broadcasting in particular - was quite different in the 1970s than it is now!

i know he didn't believe in any god, so i will just say "rest in peace" George. thanks for the laughs.

tmw