the what ifs
a few years ago on this blog, I posted about a friend of mine trying to overdose himself on pills, and how it made me feel...
well, as I suppose history repeats itself, so again, do these things. this time, my roommate.
just last week in therapy i was relating the story of home my friend in highschool tried to do the same thing, and how mad i was at her, so angry. i was so mad, i refused to talk to her for a while- i felt she had done it for all the stupidest reasons, and i refused to validate such an action. my therapist thought i had good instincts.
well, this morning on my way out the door, i passed by my roommate's door and heard a strange rasping sound. could he be crying? i thought. i couldn't decide. i hesitated. i figured he was most likely crying- he had been mopey lately, and unsure of himself. i didn't want to disturb him.
today when i came home, i found out he had tried to destroy himself with sleeping pills. he was distraught, and delirious. i had to watch him for a while, and make sure he was going to be okay.
this is always the worst part...always. the wondering if you could have done something, what terrible things could have happened, how you would have felt if they'd succeeded. the what-ifs.
and i always cry, even if they don't deserve it.
well, as I suppose history repeats itself, so again, do these things. this time, my roommate.
just last week in therapy i was relating the story of home my friend in highschool tried to do the same thing, and how mad i was at her, so angry. i was so mad, i refused to talk to her for a while- i felt she had done it for all the stupidest reasons, and i refused to validate such an action. my therapist thought i had good instincts.
well, this morning on my way out the door, i passed by my roommate's door and heard a strange rasping sound. could he be crying? i thought. i couldn't decide. i hesitated. i figured he was most likely crying- he had been mopey lately, and unsure of himself. i didn't want to disturb him.
today when i came home, i found out he had tried to destroy himself with sleeping pills. he was distraught, and delirious. i had to watch him for a while, and make sure he was going to be okay.
this is always the worst part...always. the wondering if you could have done something, what terrible things could have happened, how you would have felt if they'd succeeded. the what-ifs.
and i always cry, even if they don't deserve it.
posted by Phinux at 10:54 PM
3 Comments:
THE worst feeling EVER.
... the "what if".
A few months ago, someone close to me succeeded in taking their life. The result is so painful for those left behind... but at the same time, it was someone who for so many years was very sick (poor mental health situation) ... there's the "what if" I had done something more... but there's the "what if" they hadn't been able to do it this time... how much more pain would they (and their family) have to deal with.. how much could they take before every thing else fell apart?
I still struggle- not just with the "what ifs", but "what if nots".
I think the tears are, at the very least, deserved by you- and the others left pulling the pieces together. Holding them very tightly.
Take as many deep breaths as you can, speak or listen as prayerfully as you can to whatever stirs within you, touch life and live it deeply.
I'm a believer in the phrase, "only the self burns in hell." Suicides are trying to kill SELF, not LIFE. And it's life that insists on living within us however much the self burns.
The best response, I think, to your room-mate's hell is plain compassion. It honours him and protects you, from what-ifs and much else.
Phinux - I'm so sorry to hear about your roommate's situation and the pain it has caused you, too. I think David is right in saying that compassion is an appropriate response and couldn't have said it nearly as well if I had tried. The other thing to remember is that, ultimately, if a person truly wants to kill themself then no one can prevent this from happening. I was taught this a long time ago when I became a Residence Assistant and suicide became the most feared things that could happen to one of your students. This knowledge has helped me every time I have helped a student who was depressed and/or suicidal. That doesn't mean I haven't done everything I can to help them, but I have done it knowing that I can only offer the help and then they have the free will to choose whatever course of action they will.
I hope you find some peace in your heart and soul as you process this very sad and scary event.
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